Unworthy

I am unworthy of the continuous blessings God bestows upon me. I don’t even deserve to live, yet not only do I live, I live comfortably because of the blessings He continues to give me. Why? Who am I that I matter to Him?

Sad times

I am sitting in my living room. Crying. Not sobbing, just letting my tears run down my face one by one in a melodramatic fashion. I am sad. I am sad because my best friend just left and I am all alone. and I have realized I was using Mello as a crutch to not have to face my relationship issues. And I decided to stop, and now…I am sad. Our relationship is going to have to become more distant. I am not scared of being single, I am terrified of being alone. Those are 2 different situations. and even more scared of being alone, I’m scared of a failed relationship. I have so many thoughts going through my little head that I am driving myself insane. At least my nails are pretty.

Sooo

Its been a while!  It is now a whole new year, and i have a whole new life and am trying to gain a whole new outlook on life!

My resolutions:

1) Quit smoking.  So far – only 2 cigarrettes since the new year.  Wearing a patch helps like crazy!

2) Lose 88 pounds. Alot, I know.  But i would feel soooo much better about myself!

3)  Graduate college.  Ugh – i don’t know if I will ever finish. 

4) Save more money

5) Say yes to everything! God tells me to do this year

It is now a new year. The changes I have been waiting for are finally here. I am quitting smoking, am going to lose weight, and most of all this is my year. I can feel it. God is going to be my guide for all I do. For the first time in a long time I know I am exactly where he wants me at exactly the right time. He has shown me so many times how wonderful, loving, and forgiving He is. My ultimate goal this year is to tell God yes to everything! Be it what it may, my ultimate goal is to please Him. God keep my heart receptive, my eyes open to what your doing, and prepare me for whatever great things you have in store for me.

I love this song.

There is a fountain filled with blood, drawn from immanuals veins. And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains, lose all their guilty stains. And sinners plunged beneath that flood lose all their guilty stains.

Thou Dying theif rejoiced to see that fountain in his day, and there may I, though wild as he, wash all my sins away. Wash all my sins away.

There since by faith I saw that stream flowing from His veins, that flowing wound supplied, redeeming love has been my theme and shall be til I die, and shall be til I die. Redeeming love has been my theme and shall be til I die.

Wash all my sins away wash all my sins away. Redeemin love has been my theme, and shall be til I die.

The hand of God

Feeling the hand of God guiding me as I go throughout life is one of the most comforting feelings EVER.  Right now, I am in between moving apartments… looking forward to a new semester… just all around new beginnings surround me.  Lately, I feel as if God is taking me to a place to be ALONE with Him.  Where I have no choice but to listen to what He is telling me.  Reminds me of when I was in Venezuela, and I wanted to sing so bad during worship but I was hoarse and nothing would come out.  I knelt and wept because I realized that was what God had to do in order for me to “be still” before Him.  Well, I need to live alone.  Chase is now in Florida.  My family is all in Charlotte for the most part.  and today Billy informed me that he is taking a semester off to be in Virginia with his grandmother during her last days.  Apparently God isn’t playing around about the alone thing, i’ll hardly know anyone at school.  And Ill live alone.  Thank goodness my parents are bringing my dog from home, if not I don’t know if I could make it with just Gerrikitty.  but…no need to wrry I know God is in control. Peace.

Things about me that I need to change…

1) I need to quit smoking

2) I need to lose 88 pounds.

3)I need to work on my relationship with my Heavenly Father

4) I need to get good grades.

Its gonna be a hard year, but with the new apartment and all, I am excited about it…

God speaks through pain…

Recently it has come to my attention how many of my dearest friends are currently in various situations causing them deep pain.  Whether it be poor personal decisions they made themselves or the selfish decisions of those that they care about, so many of those closest to me are currently in agony.  Thier hearts are shattered, they are in pain, and crying out to God, some for no other reason than its the last resort they have to turn to in thier current, seemingly hopeless, situation.

I ran across this quote, and realized how accurate C.S. Lewis was when he said, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

One reaches a point where you can’t handle the hurt anymore.  God loves us so much, He wants to be there for us, to love us.  Allow God to love you, to reach out and speak to you through your pain.  He may not have gotten your attention through His word.  He may have tried to speak to you throughout your day and you missed it. Ignored it. Or dismissed it without further notice.  But now that your in pain, He has your attention.  Allow Him to use that pain you are going through to get to know Him, to become familiar with His voice, so that the next time you hear Him it isn’t because you had to reach out to Him as a last resort  in the midst of your anguish. 

P.S. Another great quote pertaining to the subject by Steven Furtick, short and simple: “Pain is God’s portal to change”

Blessings

I feel as if God has so much in store for me, and thatr I am just on the edge of recieving His wonderful gifts, but there is one thing I have to do first.  Give Him everything.  Until then, He will with hold his gifts and blessings, because until I reach that point He cannot do with me what He wishes.

For some reason I am having a terribly difficult time coming before God right now.  I don’t want to say its pride, more like embaressment.  I am not worthy to be in His presence or surrounded by His holy grace.  I need to do it.  Pray that I do.  Until then, everything is on hold…

A Night at Dennys – who knew?

I am experiencing so many up and downs in my life right now.  Yes, alot of it does have to do with me not taking my medications, but that is besides the point.  Lately, i have been extremely lonely.  I know I should just depend on God to fulfill me, but it is so hard.  God knows me so well, and tonight he sent a man to tell me just how much He loves me.

I was sitting in Denny’s, trying to do my Systematic Theology homework.  This random black dude comes up to me, who is a cook at Denny’s, and says you know my Jesus I can tell that you do.  I looked back at him, and nodded and said yes sir I do.  He said, “God just pressed it on my heart to come tell you this.  I don’t know where this is coming from but i know I need to say it,… whatever is keeping you from being where you need to be…Get rid of it… I feel in my heart that its a him – but regardless of if it is a man or something else, God can’t bring you what he wants to until you let it go, all the way.  God loves you, and He wanted me to tell you that He loves you… He knows what your heart wants and he wants to give it to you, but first you must be in a place that you can receive it.  So get rid of him, that demon.  I know you are tired of being strong, but just be a little bit stronger.  He loves you.  He knows whats best baby.” Then he said “whew I’m glad God done got that off me!  Whew!  Look at my arms!”  He had goose bumps.  By that time I was crying.  He said, I can tell your not where you need to be you got it written all over ya.  And you just gotta keep pressin, we mess up but gotta press on, keeep going!  And when you are where you need to be, you won’t need them cigarettes no more. You need to get back to church, God wants you being fed and with His people.”    I was in utter amazement. 

Now, let me explain the irony of this situation.  First, its a black man.   I think my guardian angel is black, and that is why I love black people so much maybe.  Anyways – that in itself is ironic.  Second, I have been so lonely that I have even started conversing with my ex boyfriend, Julius.  No one knows this except Mello, but that made his comments totally relative.  Julius even broke up with his girlfriend, and I was considering what it would be like to be with him again.  Although I know he is not anything that I need or want.  I know who I want, but I feel like its so far away.  Its like God placed him in front of me and then was like nope sorry not happening.  So i guess i got frustrated.    Anyways, I was struggling at that moment and time about what to do about Julius.   I know its not right, but I fit so perfect with him in some ways.  He even told me “he seems so sweet now, but once you give him what he wants, it will change like it always does.  You need to be better than that, push back harder.  Even if you feel like you don’t have it in you.”

 Third, I was smoking cigarettes. Because I am stressed.  I am stressed because I am not where I need to be.  I tried to quit today, and it lasted all of about the first 3 hours I was awake. 

Fourth, I haven’t been to church in 3 weeks.  How could that man have known that? 

He then left me alone and said he had to go back to work, I was in amazement at how strange God can work sometimes.  I needed that, I needed to hear someone say Morgan he loves you.  And not just say it because I needed to hear it, but because God wanted to tell me.  I took the rest of my cigarettes, wrote a note and stuck it in the pack, and on my way out the door had my waitress give it to him.  It basically said, thanks for listening to God, He knew I needed to hear that.  Take these, I don’t need them anymore.  Thank you, Love in Christ, Morgan.  And I gave up my cigarettes.  And before I even left I called Julius and told him what happened, that I knew it was wrong, that I would pray for him but that God has bigger better plans for me that I simply need to wait on.  So…that was my night at Denny’s. Go God – and thank you for black people.

F’n A i suck at life

I can’t make it.  I can’t do it, I just want to sleep.  I need time off work, I need time off school.  I can’t do it.  I can’t do it anymore.  I need my family, I need someone to hold me so I can cry. to rub my necks when i get these stupid headaches.  to drive me when I am dizzy. I can’t do it.  I am giving up, I think i need to ask for time off work.  Because I can’t make it. I am going to fail this semester and never graduate.  My body is going to keep getting worse.  and worse.  and worse.  Im crying so hard.  i am almost suicidal. I can’t handle this.  I need to go home and rest. I can’t do it.